#1 Must Have for New Parents
“You can do it, my Honey.” Christian smiled at me, knowing how nervous I was about the prospect of driving with our infant son. Hero’s head perfectly fit into the palm of my shaking hand, as I squatted on the hospital floor, listening to Christian remind me how to buckle him into the carseat . As primary caregiver, I would eventually be chauffeuring Hero around town.
“Oh no! I’m stuck!” Christian grabbed my hands to help me up from my poorly chosen hunkering.
I pointed my phone’s video camera at the dusty shelves and overflowing laundry bin in our small, postpartum hospital room.
“We’re saying goodbye to the room that contained us for the first 29 hours of Hero Enrico’s life. Now, we are headed into the wild!” Christian bent to double check Hero’s belts, but chuckled at the broad Aussie accent I was using. It’s my own private joke, I like to narrate our life like Crocodile Dundee meets Animal Planet.
Thanks to Covid safety protocol at Swedish First Hill, we were not allowed to leave that tiny room during our stay, not even to step into the hallway. While the birthing suite where Hero was born was spacious with a great view, postpartum felt like a walk-in closet. Christian and I clung to eachother, sharing my hospital bed, while I dozed off and on, my outstretched hand on Hero’s stomach. I didn’t know then about how much babies need to be close. I didn’t know that it extends far beyond the golden hour after birth.
What I did know was that I could feel myself changing rapidly. I could hear a sharp static in my ears, and it would bark out sudden warnings.
In having a baby I was rerouted. Instead of nearing forty in a calm, zen-like state, my wheels spun and I found myself facing the same fears I had had as a little girl.
Would this love go away and leave me?Am I good enough?How can I prove myself worthy? ***
WHOOSH! The sliding doors of the Lytle Birth Center opened, as I followed Christian’s back, my eyes glued to Hero’s tiny face, peeking over the swinging lip of his carseat.
“Thank you!” I shouted with my always-too-loud theatre person voice as the staff waved goodbye. A healthy new family – the happiest reason to be at a hospital.
“Good luck!” I almost gave myself whiplash grinning at the young couple who entered just as we exited, she round and slow, he balancing the carseat and bags. That was us, just…yesterday?
We stood in the parking garage elevator, leaning on eachother and staring at our perfect little Hero. The tide of adrenalin that had propelled me out of the hospital bed began to ebb and as we exited and walked to the car, my strides shrank to a shuffle. The ring of fire was returning! That’s the name of the excruciating pain a birthing mother experiences when the baby’s head pushes fully into the birth canal. I used my yoga breath, and fell behind Christian and Hero.
This was going to be way harder than I had thought. As I rounded the curve of the parking deck, I was surprised to see Christian with the baby, standing outside of our car, in the midst of a friendly chat with a young man in a Honda CRV. His curly hair was wild, and he had rolled the window half down to speak to my Honey, his mask around his chin. Christian looked up,
“My Honey, this is Jarron! We worked together at Palisade!”
“Congratulations, Opal.”
“Jarron’s wife is pregnant too.”
“Yes, we just checked her in. She started chemo this week and her doctor thinks they might need to deliver our daughter early because of it.”***
Driving home, I sat in the backseat next to our son, one hand holding his, the other pointing my FaceTime camera at Hero so Christian could watch him on his phone, clipped to the dash. Neither of us wanted to take our eyes off of the baby for one single second.
*I know, you’d like actual products that would make your life easier. Well, if you’re driving with babe, I highly recommend this carseat mirror.
It was a short walk from the hospital doors to our car, but in that time I traveled a great distance as a human being. I felt Jarron’s joy at the upcoming birth of his daughter and I could empathize with his fear in a way I never could have imagined before Hero’s birth.
As a child-free adult, I was dubious when I heard new parents speak of the love they felt for their offspring “I never knew what love was before I had my baby!”. But after meeting Jarron and hearing his family’s story, I knew.
It wasn’t that the love was bigger with more sparkle. It was the almost nauseating combination of joy, fear, and gratitude, in a split second.
Motherhood didn’t give me a bigger heart, but it did make me more aware of what I had to lose. I’m so grateful he’s healthy. I’m so grateful I’m healthy. I’m so grateful we have Christian to love us.
Gratitude isn’t something you can purchase on Amazon. You have it. You must have it. As soon as the baby is born, you’ll feel it’s pressure on your skin.
Our carseat mirror that makes me feel much more confident driving with my son. I’d also recommend this sun shade. Hero also enjoys flapping it at his reflection on cloudy Seattle days when entertainment in the carseat is needed.