Stolen Moments: Reconnecting with my Husband and Myself
Content Warning: Disordered eating, body image, weight loss
Christian and I sit in comfortable silence in our blissfully private backyard in the South Park neighborhood of Seattle. The fallen leaves of the two cherry trees blanket the patio, creating a cozy oasis. It might be 50 degrees out, but it’s sunny. So here we are. Mom and Dad, hanging out like co-workers on a break.
We each wear one earbud, the other ear kept free for each other and the baby monitor. He’s playing slots and I am binge listening to episodes of Maintenance Phase. Our 2 year old is asleep in the nursery, nestled with Elly, a large plush elephant.
I kiss my husband.
“I didn’t expect that.” My chef looks at me, lovingly. When we have a chance to reconnect it feels like stolen time. Intoxicating, like so many other things that creep in now that I’ve completed breastfeeding. Alcohol, weed, staying up late despite the 6am start of our day.
The intricacies of parenthood have been woven into the fabric of our lives. Every action, every consequence comes back to the family in a way I haven’t experienced since I was a child myself.
Hero with his hand down my shirt, a habit we are both struggling to break post breastfeeding.
“That’s not okay” is something I say, often, to myself, an incantation against the ever-present stress and anxiety that has been a constant since my son’s birth. Uttering it aloud as if my words alone can dispel the daily swarms of doubt. Doubt about my artistic choices, my spending habits, my ability to show up for myself, for us, and for our child.
I also say it to my son, when he grabs at my body, squeezes me, pinches me, for comfort. He’s still so much a part of me that it feels like our skin fuses together upon contact. But I have new boundaries, and enforcing them is yet another weight on my shoulders.
There is a big payoff though. “I love you so much.” These words punctuate most conversations in our family, passing in the hall, passing food at mealtime, and it is something to live for – a declaration that encapsulates our shared dream, a dream echoed by countless parents before us.
As an artist mom, and an actor and performer specifically, the conclusion of nursing my son unveils other new insights.
At my costume fitting for Titania (The Fairy’s Bottom) I noticed my breasts were the smallest they have been in 3 years. I’m also back to my pre-pandemic, pre-baby weight. The constant dieting and calorie counting from my child-free years has resumed. I notice my compulsive habits more now. The past 2+ years of pregnancy followed by breastfeeding hunger made any notion of opening my dieting app Noom ridiculous. But now, as I come back to myself, it is obvious that those baby years were not enough to fully break my disordered eating habits, only bury them.
Myself as Titania and Sara Porkalob as Puck in The Fairy’s Bottom. Photo Credit: Truman Buffett, Costumes: Kit Goldsworthy
Once we were in performance, I also noticed that post-show the alcohol cravings had returned. The need to celebrate with the audience and throw caution to the wind no matter the fresh hell of parenting at 6am with a hangover. My alcohol consumption added itself to my weekly tracking and fretting.
Yet in this new chapter my body feels spacious, one step more back to just me, not fused to my son. Room exists here, for both the good and the challenging in my growing family life.
Read More about Weaning a Toddler
Read More about The Fairy’s Bottom
Read More about my sober curious journey
A note on Disordered Eating: Like many of you, I have a deep connection with someone grappling with a life-threatening eating disorder. If you find yourself engulfed in this struggle, I encourage you to please make that consultation with a therapist or call a crisis line. If, like me, your anxiety dips a toe into the disordered territory, well, we should all see a therapist! But if, also like me, you find solace in repeat listening to podcasts, I have found The Maintenance Phase and The Home Podcast enlightening as I continue to explore my own relationship to food and drink.
The most fulfilling aspects of my life involving food include sharing meals with my son, and cooking for him. I am teaching him to eat 3 square a day, lots of veggies, 2 snacks and to enjoy sugar in small amounts (not in front of the TV). Essentially the best things I’ve learned from the Noom wellness App. The experience is so delightful and keeps me rooted in the present moment.
Hero starting solids at 7 months